Are You Smarter Than a Showgirl?

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Are You Smarter Than a Showgirl?

Picture this: I am on a game show. I like games, but I’ve never won anything. I don’t know why not. Anyway, I have the chance to win a million dollars! Now I’m really excited!

I’m competing against two men. One is a rocket scientist from NASA and the other is a Harvard professor. I’m going to show these guys that showgirls can stand with the best of them.

They explain the rules and now I know I have to be quick on the buzzer. I have great reflexes so that will be one of my strengths. Okay, first question:

Q: According to the proverb, what is the pot calling the kettle?

a) Hot

b) Noisy

c) Black

d) My hero

I hit the buzzer! I did it. See, I told you we have fast reflexes. Wait, I wasn’t paying attention to the question. Can you ask it again?

Hmmm. Let’s see. Both pots and kettles can be hot but they aren’t always hot unless they are being used. A kettle is noisy but pots aren’t usually noisy. Pots and kettles can be black but they can also be other colors. Why would a pot call a kettle its hero? That makes no sense. Come to think of it, why would a pot call a kettle anything? What is it calling with? I guess I would have to go with … c) Black. But I don’t think they realize that pots and kettles aren’t always black … just saying.

I got it right! Next question.

Q: In the U.S., if it's not Daylight Savings Time, what time is it?

a) Borrowed time

b) Overtime

c) Standard time

d) Party time

I have to sneeze. A-choo! Oh, I hit the buzzer by accident! Oops! I guess I should figure this one out. If you are saving time, it could be borrowed as well. It’s not overtime because you’re saving the time so it hasn’t been used yet. On the contrary, if you were partying with the time, then you would be using it. I mean, I don’t know the answer but it should be Daylight Giving-Away Time. I guess I have to choose Standard time but none of these answers work.

I got it right again! Eat your heart out Rocket Boy and Smarty Pants. The showgirl is in the lead. Next question.

Q: According to the old saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the (fill in the blank).”

a) Trash

b) Diapers

c) Bath water

d) Baby carriage

OMG! You should never throw a baby out! Who would do such a thing?! I’m not answering this question based on principle.

Q: What piece of advice most often follows "If at first you don't succeed"?

a) Throw in the towel

b) File an appeal

c) Try, try again

d) Talk to James

Who is James? Is he cute? I wouldn’t throw in a towel. What would that do? The answer is b) File an appeal. I always appeal because then I convince them I succeeded and then I succeed!

Hey! How did I get that one wrong?

Q: According to the popular phrase, "Don't bite the hand that (fill in the blank).”

a) Helps you

b) Pays you

c) Feeds you

d) Spanks you

It’s b) Pays you. Showgirls don’t eat so it can’t be c) Feeds you.

Wait, I got it wrong? I would like to appeal.

This game is getting close and the rocket scientist and Harvard professor are ahead of me. I need to get back on track. Next question.

Q: The TV series Sex and the City is primarily set in which city?

a) Chicago

b) New York City

c) Miami

d) San Francisco

Oh no! I have an itch. I didn’t get to the buzzer in time. The rocket scientist hit the button before me! This is horrible. I’m going to lose! It’s such an easy question!

He answered Chicago? Who wants to have sex in Chicago?

I’m back in! Okay, here it is: The million-dollar question.

(Dramatic pause.)

Q: What are chicken cutlet breast enhancements made of?

a) Chicken

b) Silicone

c) Pork

d) Fish

This one is easy! Every showgirl knows those breast enhancements are made of silicone! (If you don’t, you might want to brush up on your history with my past column, “The Evolution of Cleavage.”)

I WON!

I bet you’re wondering if I got the million dollars. Well, the answer is no. If you can figure out why, then you are smarter than a showgirl. (I’ll give you a hint: I started with the words, “Picture this,” which means, I wanted you to picture me winning a million dollars. Maybe if everyone pictures me winning a million dollars it will happen!)

Anyway, if you didn’t get it right, you are not smarter than a showgirl. But don’t worry. It’s like they always say, “If at first you don’t succeed, file an appeal.”

Thanks for playing!

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Vegas Then and Now

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Vegas Then and Now

As I was searching deep in my dressing room shelves for my favorite bedazzled Swarovski bra, I came across an ancient artifact. I felt like Nicholas Cage in the movie National Treasure. Well actually, I guess I was more like Diane Kruger because as far as I know, Nicholas Cage appears to be male. But I guess you never know …

Anyway, I found a diary of a showgirl from the 1960’s! Apparently, confessions from showgirls date back further than I thought. Fifty years ago, Ingrid Liebschreiber travelled all the way from Germany to Las Vegas and became a showgirl. Her story is fascinating. She doesn’t hold anything back. I was really surprised! (I mean, not surprised that she didn’t hold anything back because she’s a showgirl and that’s what we do.) But I was surprised at how different Old Vegas was from New Vegas.

Vegas Headliners Then: Ingrid writes, “showgirls were treated like royalty.” They were escorted into the most exclusive lounges. They mingled with historical headliners like Frank Sinatra, Harry Belafonte and Elvis Presley. In fact, Ingrid says she even had an affair with Elvis and got pregnant! Can you imagine the headline? “A showgirl pregnant with Elvis’ baby.”  

Vegas Headliners Now: The closest a showgirl can get to that headline now is, “A showgirl pregnant with Elvis impersonator’s baby.” Which probably isn’t news. I’m sure it happens more often than we think. And it doesn’t happen in those exclusive lounges from back in the day. It probably happens in those loud nightclubs where no one can hear himself think. Which is why it happens in the first place.  

Vegas Audiences Then: After their shows, showgirls were showered with lavish gifts from the audience, like jewelry and furs. Apparently, there was an abundance of wealthy suitors with sufficient cash to entertain.

Vegas Audiences Now: Most of our suitors now have insufficient funds, or they take yours and then you have insufficient funds. Which reminds me, I have to call my bank.

Vegas Showgirls Then: Aspiring showgirls would come to Vegas from all over the world in hopes to perform in a real Vegas show. Ingrid came all the way from Germany.

Vegas Showgirls Now: Now, you have to move 2,500 miles to New York just to get hired for a show in Vegas. You would think it would be easier just to hold auditions in Vegas but what do I know. I’m just a showgirl.

Vegas News Then: Ingrid had to be very careful about anything she said because it was a small town and news travelled quickly back then.

Vegas News Now: Hmmm. News travels fast here too.

So I guess the truth is, showgirls haven’t changed at all. It’s comforting to know that in this fast paced world, some things can stay the same. As Ingrid said, “Once a showgirl, always a showgirl.”

It was as if Ingrid had written all of this just for me to find in my dressing room years later. If I hadn’t been looking for my bra, I never would have found out what Vegas was like back then.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I wasn’t exactly digging through my shelves in my dressing room. I was digging through the icons that look like shelves on Amazon, more specifically the Kindle store, but I was in my dressing room. It turns out Ingrid’s diary wasn’t just written for me. It’s available to everyone in fact! It’s called Love Target and every showgirl and non-showgirl should read it!

Okay, I have one more confession to make. Or maybe Ingrid does. How should I put this? Technically, Ingrid isn’t a real showgirl because she’s not a real person. But she is a character based off the life of the real showgirl Heidi Loeb Hegerich. Heidi’s book Love Target is part fictional memoir and part historical novel, which begs the question: Did she really have an affair with Elvis?! A showgirl never tells … or maybe she does.

For more of Heidi’s (I mean, Ingrid’s) adventures in Sin City and New York visit https://www.lovetarget.comorAmazon.com, available in paperback and hardback, too.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's State of the Union Address

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's State of the Union Address

As a showgirl, I get the chance to work in many different kinds of productions. Operating in these varied worlds, it’s not unusual for a showgirl to be a member of several unions. The problem comes when a showgirl gets confused as to which ones she belongs to.

There was a union I joined for one particular touring production. I’ve been a member for over six years, and I hadn’t paid my dues in a little while … like, maybe six years. So they sent me a suspension notice.

Anytime you see big red print that has a negative word associated with your name, it’s not a good feeling. I got confused by the state of my unions, and I panicked. I immediately went online to pay my dues.

As soon as I submitted my payment, I realized I had paid the wrong union! I mean, it was the right union—in that I also owed them money and paid it. But I had only worked in this union once. Now that I’m working in Vegas, it didn’t make sense for me to be a part of it anymore. So I didn’t mind being suspended. I just didn’t realize that I didn’t mind being suspended. I needed to explain this to my union and get my money back.

So I got on the phone to speak with a representative. Listen, there’s been a huge misunderstanding, I said. I’m aware that I haven’t paid my dues in quite some time. However, I swear I had no intention of paying you.

In fact, I was going to let this one go to collections. As you can see, I haven’t worked in this union for years. To be honest, it’s not one of the major unions. Do you think this is an effective union if I haven’t worked the entire time I was a part of it?

You know, I’m thinking it might be time for you to take a careful look at your own house and see if that’s in order. The truth is, if your union was more important, I probably would have made more of an effort to pay my dues all these years, instead of letting it slide.

Anyway, if you could just see your way to getting this money back to me, that would be really great. This was an error and I think you guys should respect that. After all, I am your union member.

Then, I think my phone disconnected. I called back and I got a different person. I had to explain the entire thing all over again. Would you believe my phone cut out again? So frustrating. It’s impossible to get good cell service anywhere these days.

I wonder if the cell phone people have a union I could speak to about that.

I’ll tell you, some of these unions should really have more respect for their members. I mean, how am I supposed to pay my other unions if this union keeps trying to take all my money? I’m sure I’m not the only one dealing with this.

You know, we should all unite and have our voices heard! We should start a union! Who’s with me?

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

5 Reasons to Never Do Yoga

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: 5 Reasons to Never Do Yoga

The stress of having to write all these confessions finally caught up with me. I needed a way to decompress. My showgirl guru recommended I try yoga. I had never done it before. The showgirl life is fast paced. We are used to intense spurts of frenetic performance, followed by mood swings.

I figured it was time to try something new, but when I went to my first class I discovered right away why you should never do yoga.

1. Breathing is overrated. We start with all of this heavy breathing. I haven’t focused this hard on my breathing since the last time I was faking it in my bedroom. Over and over again, the teacher instructs us to breathe in and out. Now I’m getting dizzy. I can’t see straight. I think I’m having a panic attack. Somebody help! I can’t breathe. I need air.

2. “A calm mind.” Easy for you to say. Tell it to my bladder. The teacher instructs me to “focus on calming my mind.” The voice in my head says, “Don’t think about anything.” If I’m not thinking about anything, then what am I thinking about? Even if I’m thinking about nothing, I’m thinking about something. Now I have a headache. Wait, I’m already off track. Focus on calming my mind.

Okay, my mind is calm … with thoughts of waterfalls. I’m in a rainforest. I can hear the water trickling all around me. I’m thirsty. I need to stay more hydrated, especially since I live in a desert. On second thought, maybe not. I have to pee. Is it rude to leave the class in the middle of a meditation? Let me just take a peek, since everyone’s eyes are closed. I’m just going to step out for a quick second. I’m sure no one will notice. Doesn’t look like I’m going to miss anything.

3. Nobody likes a poser. This part of the class should be fun. I’m a showgirl, which is basically a professional poser. I’ve got this.

But these poses are unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They’re just uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. In fact, they’re obnoxiously uncomfortable. I’ve been in some pretty uncomfortable poses, but these take the prize. Can you explain to me the purpose of being rolled up in a pretzel? Is this really a position that will benefit me in life? And the eagle pose? I didn’t have the heart to tell the teacher I’m not an eagle, nor do I aspire to be. I’m giving up on poses and going back to meditation.

4. What comes up doesn’t seem to be going down. As I’m trying to calm my mind, I start to look around the room. They say don’t compare yourself to others but that’s not a concept a showgirl understands. However, I now understand why they say that in yoga. It’s because of the involuntary reactions from some of the men in the class, especially the teacher. There is some impressive form going on in this room. Maybe it’s a tantric thing? I’m no longer having a problem finding something to focus on. How is it possible for a man to be so relaxed and so firm at the same time?

5. Wait, are you sure this is yoga? I could get used to this! What a workout. I feel so stimulated. After class, the teacher offered me a private lesson to show me some positions not covered in the group session.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I take it all back. Yoga is great and everyone should do it, at least once a day. Okay, I have a confession to make. It was three times. I’m so glad I found a way to relieve all my stress.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl Goes Hollywood

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl Goes Hollywood

Some showgirls don’t plan on staying in Vegas forever. After being in too many Vegas shows to count, Sarah Jessica Rhodes (whom we call SJ) felt it was time for her next adventure. She wanted to try her hand at acting in the City of Angels.

Now, may I remind you that I’m from LA, so I know how this goes.

She answered a casting notice to be an actress in a leading role in a feature film. The production team got right back to her. They said they loved her pictures. She was exactly what they were looking for. SJ couldn’t have been more excited. This was her lucky break. She only started pursuing acting in LA about an hour before the submission so it was even luckier that she didn’t have to wait too long.

She was going to drive straight down to LA, blow them away with her good looks and acting chops, then start her new life as a movie star!

On her way to LA, she went over her best Shakespeare monologue, followed by her best Mean Girls scene. Before she knew it, four hours flew by. It was time to put on her lipstick and go Hollywood. She was welcomed with open arms by the warm congestion of LA traffic. In perfect time, the production assistant called regarding the details of the audition.

SJ was to meet the producer of this next blockbuster movie at IHOP at 9 a.m. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Who in the world is up at 9 a.m., right?

They also instructed her to wear something revealing that shows off her body. She was to look out for this producer by his car. He would either be driving his Bentley, Lamborghini or ‘86 Chevy pickup. (I guess he had a thing for the classics.) She hoped he would be in his Bentley but unfortunately he drove his Chevy. He said the other two were in the shop. What are the chances?

He was very nice, which gave her confidence that she would snag the role. He complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She couldn’t believe what great eyesight he had, considering he was wearing sunglasses inside the restaurant the whole time.

He discussed the movie briefly. She was surprised to find how talented he was. Not only was he the producer of the film, he was the star as well. The opening scene was going to be a montage of several naked women. This is where her role would come in. He decided right then and there, without even running the lines, that SJ was perfect for it! Some girls just have it so easy.

He told her they should get started rehearsing right away. He asked if her apartment was available, as they were looking for a “more natural setting to go over the scenes.” SJ felt bad because she didn’t live in LA, so they had no place to rehearse. He told her they would delay production a couple weeks until she could find an apartment. She was thrilled! She had heard so many horror stories about Hollywood, and yet she had found such an accommodating producer.

A couple weeks later, she called to ask about the schedule. They told her that they cast someone else. She was pretty disappointed. This was going to catapult her to stardom. She was going to see her face on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I didn’t have the heart to tell her you can’t have your face on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It’s just your name on a star.

Anyway, after the highs and lows of her Hollywood experience, SJ realized there’s no place like home—Vegas, I mean. As fate would have it, a few weeks later she got cast in Raiding the Rock Vault where she currently performs at the Tropicana. There’s nothing like partying with a bunch of rock stars to make you feel whole again.

Meanwhile, I called the LA producer for a comment and we had a no-holds-barred conversation. You wouldn’t believe it. He offered me a job! I said to him, “You must think I was born yesterday.” He said, “Judging from your picture, you look about 18.”

Long story short, I’m going apartment hunting.

Follow me on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Couples Counseling - Showgirl Style

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Couples Counseling Showgirl Style

When most married couples fight, maybe they retreat to separate rooms to cool off. When you’re a showgirl married to a magician, he makes you disappear—and that’s when you’re not fighting. That’s just a normal day at work.

But what happens when that magician is supposed to make his showgirl wife disappear but doesn’t, and then he blames her for it? Well, she asks another showgirl to step in to settle the dispute.

That’s me!

Meet my fellow showgirl Chloe Crawford. Not only is she a Playboy model and Fantasystarlet, she’s also the assistant to celebrity magician Murray Sawchuck. Murray also happens to be her husband. (Okay, I have a confession to make. He didn’t just happen to be her husband. I’m sure they planned it out at some point in time.)

Anyway, in Murray’s magic show there are several moving parts. If you miss any little part, it’s like getting caught in an avalanche of embarrassment. (Personally as a showgirl, I’d almost prefer a real avalanche to the embarrassment.)

To make matters worse, Murray is onstage the entire show, so if anything goes wrong, the assistant, aka wife, has to deal with it. Hmm … typical male move.

But there are two sides to every story, or for a showgirl, sometimes three or four. So I decided to hear them out and see if I could mediate this lover’s quarrel.

She said: “In the finale of our show, Murray is supposed to go into a box. His other assistant, Lefty, closes the box, locks it and throws a curtain over it. Suddenly, Murray is supposed to appear on top of the box and then he opens it to magically reveal me inside. It’s our big finish. But I couldn’t make it to the box in time. I tried to tell Murray. I was screaming his name from the wings, hoping he would look up at me and see I wasn’t in the box. But he wasn’t listening. He never listens.”

Hmm … typical male move. Okay, let’s hear Murray’s side of the story.

He said: “I always listen to Chloe. I just don’t always understand her. I thought she was yelling my name to let me know she was in the box. I just want to make her happy but I don’t know what she wants.”

Hmm … typical woman. Sorry, go on Murray.

“Try to see it from my side. The audience is filled with suspense. I’m about to give Chloe her big reveal. I ask the audience, ‘Guess who’s in the box? You’ll never believe who is inside! … It’s not me!’ The suspense is overwhelming. And then, I open it, revealing … an empty box. Like that’s real suspenseful. When I needed my wife most she wasn’t there.”

So let me get this straight: Murray was supposed to open the box to reveal Chloe inside but she wasn’t there? So what happened next?

He said: “We got a standing ovation.”

Did you just say you got a standing ovation?! Then what is there to argue about? You got a standing ovation for a magic trick gone wrong? That’s the best magic trick ever!

Don’t miss Chloe, Murray and Lefty in their show, Murray Celebrity Magician in Planet Hollywood’s Sin City Theater, every night except Friday. For more info, visit murraysawchuck.com and chloelouisecrawford.com.

Follow me on Twitter @marenwade

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's Mile High Club

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's Mile High Club

As showgirls, we get the opportunity to travel to some of the most exotic places in the world like Biloxi, Mississippi, and Branson, Missouri. While we’re gone, we don’t miss the smoky air, the sound of slot machines or the drunk tourists. As luck would have it, those things exist in every casino! It’s so comforting to feel at home wherever you go. 

Traveling can always be a little challenging, so I’ve compiled a few showgirl tips to ensure things run smoothly:

Sleep is a key factor. Flights to the East Coast (I mean, anywhere east of Las Vegas) are generally early in the morning. I can’t stress this enough: Sleeping WILL make you miss your flight. Under no circumstances are you allowed to sleep the night before. I know you are thinking about getting that half-hour catnap when you get home from work at 4:30 a.m., but don’t ever do it!

Don’t miss the free entertainment at the security line. So you’ve managed to make it to the airport on time, or better yet, you made it there early, which is unheard of in the showgirl world. Now it’s time to go through security. Hey, there are all my entertainer friends in the new TSA videos! If you haven’t seen them, check them out, or just book a flight to or from Vegas.

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m almost always singled out for a TSA pat-down. Either my bedazzled pink Juicy jumpsuit screams I’m hiding weapons of mass destruction or they just want to feel what’s underneath. I’m not complaining. It does wonders for my ego. I always find it funny when they ask if I would prefer a private screening. Are you kidding me? I’m a showgirl—the more who see this show, the merrier. Pat away! In case you’re wondering, my favorite is when you get to my upper thighs.

Luck be a lady … or an upgrade. Now that your day is off to a good start with a morning massage, it’s time to see if all those frequent flyer miles pay off. You’re waiting for the gate agent to call your name and say, “Congratulations! You won the lottery! You never have to travel to Atlantic City again!” (Okay, I have a confession to make. Those might not be her exact words.) She’s probably going to say, “We have an oversold situation. You’ve been upgraded to first class.” Then, it’s time to practice your acceptance speech.

Always be in performance mode, even up in the air. As you board the plane on your way to the first class cabin, pretend you are walking the red carpet at the Oscars, but wear your sunglasses and act in such a way where you don’t want people to notice you. They will ask if you want Champagne. You should take two. It’s always amazing flying first class.

Don’t be startled by everyone working quietly on computers. You’re a showgirl. It’s your job to liven up the party! On my last flight, I got to talking with the man next to me. He was very nice. A little quiet, but he said it’s because it was hard for him to hear me with his headphones on. Those must have been amazing headphones if it was hard for him to hear me. Anyway, we talked about lots of things like work, love and life, and he listened through his headphones. He was a really good listener.

Go easy on the Champagne. A few more glasses and you are living the high life at 33,000 feet. But it can get to you, so much so that you realize it’s not the Champagne. It’s actually sleep deprivation and you’re not even on the plane yet. You’re actually still at the gate waiting to board your flight. Turns out you didn’t win the lottery or an Oscar.

So like I said, it’s always amazing flying first class, and by always I mean: I’ve always imagined it to be amazing. Anyway, I gotta go. I have a date tonight. Not really a date, but I’m taking a red-eye and looking forward to the pat-down.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly