A Showgirl's Review of Celine Dion

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's Review of Celine Dion

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

When you live in Vegas, it’s easy to take for granted all the amazing spectacles we have. For instance, look at our world-famous headliners. There’s Elton John, Rod Stewart, Mariah Carey and then, there’s the ultimate showgirl, Celine Dion.

I had a friend visiting from out of town this August, and his lifelong dream had been to see Celine live. In the months leading up to his visit, he would send me messages with countdowns to our Celine Dion concert date. He had already planned out his outfit weeks before. He would daydream of being in the audience at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace—Celine would spot him from the crowd, sing to him and they would share a magical moment.

This friend of mine is very sensitive. He’s bright-eyed, emotional and so easily moved by all the beauty in the world. So basically, he cries a lot. I was lucky enough to snag us some seats only a few rows from the stage. Now, may I remind you I’m a showgirl, so it’s imperative I maintain my composure at all times. You never know who you might run into at a Celine Dion concert, you know, like Celine Dion?

That’s why I always have to put my best foot forward. Come to think of it, it’s probably best to put both of my best feet forward. Whoever came up with that line probably wasn’t a showgirl … and probably had two left feet.

Anyway, I was nervous that my extremely sensitive friend would spend the whole concert crying out of happiness. I would have to hang my head in embarrassment and make sure no one notices us in our vulnerable state.

The lights went down. The curtain opened. There she was, the voice, the image, the legend: Celine Dion. This feeling inside completely overwhelmed me. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably!

The opening number was so moving. Celine was so charismatic, so hypnotic, so ... Celine. She was able to connect with her entire audience in just her first note.

I was afraid to look at my friend, expecting him to be in worse shape than me. I was sure he had already used up all of his tissues. How insensitive to leave me without tissues, knowing I didn’t bring tissues of my own?

Deciding to assess the damage, I looked over at my friend. To my surprise, he wasn’t crying! He had a twinkle in his eye and the biggest smile humanly possible, but no tears! How could he be so insensitive to leave me crying alone, and of all places, at a Celine concert?

I needed to maintain my composure. This was unacceptable. My extremely insensitive friend handed me a wad of tissues as his eyes stayed locked on Celine.

At this point, I was fighting back the tears in honor of vanity. We were now toward the middle of the show. Celine made her way into the audience. My starry-eyed friend was ready for his magical moment with Celine. I didn’t want to burst his bubble. There were over 4,000 people in the theater. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the chances of Celine coming over to him were slim to … Oh my God! Celine is looking at him! She’s smiling at him! She is reaching out her hand to him. They are having a magical moment! And I’m out of tissues! Her heart really does go on and on!

Long story short, go see Celine Dion. She’s amazing. Oh, and bring lots of tissues.

How a Showgirl Avoids a Traffic Ticket

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: How a Showgirl Avoids a Traffic Ticket

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Improvising is a showgirl necessity. Shows don’t always go according to plan and when that happens, it’s a showgirl’s job to make sure the show goes on.

But improvising is also a skill that comes in handy in everyday life. I encourage everyone to try it. For instance, just last week, I was driving my car and talking to my friend on the phone, when I realized I was being pulled over by a cop! I immediately hung up on my friend, stopped at the side of the road and waited for the officer to approach.

Officer: “Do you realize I’m pulling you over because you were talking on your phone?”

My improvisational instincts kicked in, and I felt the need to explain to the officer that this was not how it looked.

Me: “Officer, I appreciate your concern but I can assure you, I was not talking on my phone.”

Officer: “You’re gonna tell me that the phone wasn’t up to your ear just a second ago while you were driving?”

Me: “Well, I can see how it looked that way. You see … I was actually adjusting the sunglasses on my head and I happened to have the phone in my hand. So that’s why it looked like the phone was up to my ear.”

Officer: “And why were your lips moving while your phone was up to your ear?”

(Here’s where it really pays to be a showgirl.)

Me: “I’m a singer. I was singing.”

Then I gave him a winning showgirl smile.

Trouble was, since I had hung up on my friend so quickly, she was worried something was wrong and she kept calling, which was really inconvenient.

Officer: “Are you going to answer that?”

Me: “Who, me? No, never when I’m in the car.”

Officer: “So here’s the thing. You can tell me the truth or you can explain it to the court. But you’ve now changed your story several times and that’s not gonna fly in a court of law.”

Me: “I don’t think it’s that I’ve changed my story. I think … it’s that I didn’t understand your question.”

Officer: “You expect me to believe that?”

Me: “Well, which part don’t you believe … because I can work on that part.”

Okay, I have a confession to make. I didn’t say the second half. But I was thinking it would be a lot easier for the both of us if I could figure out which part he didn’t believe.

Officer: “When was the last time you got a ticket?”

Me: “You know, I honestly can’t recall the last time I got a ticket.”

Officer: “Let me see your license and registration.”

I opened up my glove compartment and would you believe a ticket fell out?! And then my friend started calling again.

Officer: “Is that a ticket? Let me see it.”

Me: “Oh, I thought you meant a ticket for talking on the phone. This was just for speeding ... and it was just a warning.”

I handed it over.

Meanwhile, my friend just kept calling me. I couldn’t hear anything the officer was asking. Had he given me a little more notice before pulling me over, I would have been able to put my phone on vibrate. This whole situation could have been avoided.

Luckily, the officer let me off with a warning, probably because of my seasoned improvisational skills. Or maybe he let me off because it was my first time talking on the phone while driving. Either way, I just had to share the good news. As soon as the officer drove away, I called my friend to tell her what happened, hands free of course.

Don’t worry. I definitely learned my lesson. You only have to warn me once. I mean, twice.

Okay, I have another confession to make. It was actually three times, but the other one was for not stopping at a stop sign. So really, they’re all unrelated.

A Showgirl's Ultimate Showdown

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

If there’s one thing a showgirl knows how to do, it’s everything. Okay, maybe not everything, but she knows how to go all in. You can throw a showgirl in any situation and she’ll give you grace, glamour and 110 percent. If the job calls for 200 percent, she’ll give 210. If it calls for 300, then a showgirl will raise you to infinity!

Okay, I have a confession to make: I don’t gamble very often, but you get where I’m going with this.

A showgirl is always up for a challenge. She has an innate drive to step out of her comfort zone and push herself. Becoming a showgirl takes years of grueling work and determination. She has to want it so badly that she can stand the rejection. She has to take that rejection and turn it into a positive. But most of all, she has to have a great poker face. She’s gotta plaster on that smile and bring joy to every performance, regardless of what goes on behind it.

Lauren Clark was a quiet and shy little girl from Los Angeles. At four years old, her mother put her in dance class. At her first tap recital she just stood onstage, frozen in fear, like a deer caught in the headlights. Lauren’s mother was terrified her daughter’s stage experience would scar her for life. Her mother waited anxiously backstage, ready to wipe away her daughter’s tears. When Lauren had finished her performance, she had never been more excited in her whole life.

Mind you, at four years old, I would imagine she hadn’t had that many exciting experiences yet, other than eating solid foods and maybe walking. But anyway, my point is she had a gift for the poker face. She had to learn how to reverse it so that the smile was on the outside, but that didn’t take long to master. By five years old, she was a pro.

Lauren went on to push herself in extraordinary ways. She attended the Alvin Ailey Summer Intensive and landed a role in Jubilee!, which brought her to Vegas. Currently, she’s a stunning showgirl in Vegas! The Show, but perhaps her most extraordinary journey is the one she is taking now.

Lauren was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. With no time to process the news, she had two days to tell her cast and crew before traveling to LA for surgery. She’s currently in chemotherapy and is determined to be performing at the same time. She has had three of six treatments and recently went back to try and perform in Vegas! The therapy makes her weak and short of breath, which makes it hard for her to work.

Her goal was to perform through the entire show. She was able to make it halfway before the treatment's side effects got the better of her. As difficult as it was, she kept her poker face on the entire time. Inside she was screaming with frustration, but outside, all the audience could see was her beautiful smile lighting up the stage.

Offstage, Lauren couldn’t hold it back any longer. A flurry of emotions came rushing in. She was so frustrated that cancer had taken so much away from her. But at the same time, she was touched and grateful for her cast mates who didn’t hesitate to leap right in and finish the show for her.

Being able to dance, even for half a show, gave her a piece of her life back. But what she may not realize is that she’s an inspiration to everyone around her, especially her fellow “pink sisters,” women fighting breast cancer.

Whether it’s Lauren’s glamorous Instagram selfies, where she’s in her costume with her beautiful new short ‘do, or her posts to remind everyone to #FeelitontheFirst to promote breast cancer awareness, her openness in sharing her journey has encouraged countless others to smile through life and rise to the challenge.

Cancer treatments are extremely expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it all. If you would like to support Lauren on her journey, visit her GoFundMe page and follow her on Instagram.

Maren Wade interviews Piff the Magic Dragon (America's Got Talent 2015)

Congratulations to Piff the Magic Dragon for making it through to the next round on America's Got Talent. I had the chance to sit with him in my very first interview ever with a magic dragon! Take a look at this Confessions of a Showgirl Exclusive!

8 Grammar Mistakes Everyone Makes

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: 8 Grammar Mistakes Everyone Makes

As I approach my first anniversary of writing these confessions, I wanted to reflect on my growth as a showgirl and a writer. I went back through all my emails with my editor and decided to highlight some of my best grammar bloopers. Perhaps we are all guilty of these mistakes … or maybe it’s just me. You decide.

1. An excerpt from Audition gone awry: A nose for nerding out:

“I was auditioning for a new show in town. Turns out this particular position called for a showgirl who could play … an office nerd that suddenly breaks into an 80’s hip-hop dance while rapping. “

Editor’s note: “That” is a thing. “Who” is a person. A nerd is a person. Use “who” instead of “that.”

Showgirl’s note: I apologize to nerds everywhere for referring to them as things. I don’t feel that way, nor have I ever felt that way. Mr. Nerd, from now on, you will always be a “who” to me.

2. An excerpt from The truth about the girl inside the cake:

“I was ready for my cake-popping debut. I shimmied into the cake and squatted downon the little chair. “

Editor’s Note: Down is redundant; you can’t squat “up.”

Showgirl’s Note: I beg to differ with my editor on this one. Some showgirls are acrobats, contorting in all sorts of precarious positions, especially on aerial silks. With that said, a showgirl can definitely squat up … when she’s upside down.

3. An excerpt from The Star-Mangled Banner – A showgirl nightmare:

“Anthem time came around. She hummed her starting note quietly under her breath, making sure she was in the right key … ‘Off to a great start,’ She thought to herself.’

Editor’s Note: One of the great redundancies is “thought to herself” or “think to yourself.” Just say “think.”

Showgirl’s Note: Hmmm. And now I’m thinking to myself, I never thought of it that way!

4. An excerpt from The Double Jointed Chicken Dance: A cautionary tale:

“No, I was falling! I was falling right off the stage and into the audience, tits* down and beak up. (Are “tits” okay to say?)”

Editor’s Note: I believe tits are okay for the Weekly. I’ll let stand.

Showgirl’s Note: Okay, I have a confession to make. There were no grammatical errors on that one. I just wanted to illustrate the formality of some of my conversations with my editor.

5. (Or should I say five?) Excerpts from A showgirl’s addiction:

“They say to successfully conquer an addiction you need a Twelve-step program … I’m thinking 1 pair of shoes for every step would be great … if twelve pairs are too much, maybe we could just do 6 instead?”

Editor’s Note: Numbers are spelled out up to nine; from 10 and higher, use the numeral. YOU ARE GETTING THE NUMBERS RULE BACKWARD IN THIS COLUMN.

Showgirl’s Note: I still don’t get it.

6. An excerpt from How to treat a diva:

“Slowly but surely, after following my own advice, we outgrew our showgirl tryst. We even live together now … Maybe she’s happier living with me. Or maybe it was that fleecollar that did the trick.”

Editor’s Note: A flea collar protects a pet from fleas; not sure what a flee collar is, but it sounds a little ribald.

Showgirl’s Note: Good to know. By the way, what does “ribald” mean?

7. An excerpt from Vegas then and now:

“As I was searching deep in my dressing room shelves for my favorite bedazzled Swarovski bra, I came across an ancient artifact. I felt like Nicholas Cage in the movie National Treasure.”

Editor’s Note: Nicolas Cage is always spelled that way. Always. No "h" in that first name.

Showgirl’s Note: Interesting. Someone should tell Nicholas Cage he's spelling his name wrong.

8. An excerpt from A night in the life of a showgirl at sea:

“Just when you think you’re leveling out, the ship starts rocking back and forth.”

Editor’s Note: Cut “back and forth,” which is redundant. Rocking is, by definition, a back-and-forth motion.

Showgirl’s Note: Rocking, by definition, is also redundant.

Anyway, I should do a column on all my grammar corrections.

Editor’s Reply:

If you hold out long enough, you can write a novella about your grammar corrections. If you hold out longer than that, we'll have a novel ready for publication.

Showgirl’s reply to Editor’s reply: Awe. Thanks for believing in me.

So with all that said (or written), I want to spotlight my editor John Katsilometes. Without you, this column would have never been possible, and neither would my showgirl novel, which I will be releasing sometime soon. Your faith in what I can accomplish means the world to me. I promise I won’t let you down.

Happy one-year anniversary to Confessions of a Showgirl!

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

The Secret Life of a Showgirl

Confessions of a Showgirl: The Secret Life of a Showgirl

Some people might think that showgirls are all about the glitz and glamour, and we are. But there’s much more to a showgirl than meets the eye. Not only can she dance, sing and get shot out of cannons (that last part might not happen as often anymore), they also moonlight as Realtors, entrepreneurs and even nurses.

By the way, is it moonlighting if it takes place during the day?

Take the sassy Adria Lawrence, for example. By night, she lets her hair down and rocks out in Raiding the Rock Vault. By day, she lets her hair down again, but this time with some sensible six-inch pumps as a Realtor with Berkshire Hathaway Home Services, raking in the listings and showing properties to buyers. She’s dedicated to her clients 24/7. Even during quick changes in her show, she’s still answering their phone calls.

Adria might be wearing only one shoe or half a bra, but that phone will be glued to her ear negotiating deals. “Hi, Mr. Jones, we received an offer on your home and the buyer wants you to contribute to the closing costs. I already spoke with their lender and if they finance their closing costs into their interest rate, your net will remain the same while costing them no more than a Starbucks a day for the buyer. So, do we have a deal? Alright, now where are my sunglasses and trench coat for the “Breakfast in America” dance number? Oh, no, that last part wasn’t about your offer, Mr. Jones, sorry.”

You might know Mariah Rivera as one of the sexiest showgirls of Fantasy. What you might not know is that she’s also a professional stunt driver. Okay, I have a confession to make. She’s not really a stunt driver—but she could be with her talent for quick-changing in her car as she travels to her many professions.

Mariah is also an entrepreneur, managing two businesses by day while performing at night. She founded the photography company PM Images with her husband, Patrick Rivera. You’ve seen their work on several billboards for shows in town. (If you haven’t had a photo shoot with them yet, then you might not really be a showgirl.) It’s not unusual for Mariah to be taking client meetings in the morning, then quick-changing in the car into a showgirl costume for a Vegas.buzz interview with Donny Osmond, then quick-changing again into something a little more “comfortable” to perform at Fantasy.

Mariah also studied accounting and marketing at UNLV and has her own social media marketing firm that services many entertainers in town. Which reminds me, I need to enlist the help of her services since I still haven’t found my Facebook stalker yet.

Then there’s Amy Toliver, who can twirl a baton like no one I’ve ever seen. A captivating dancer, with her golden locks and infectious smile, it’s no wonder why she’s performed in countless shows across the Strip. But while she’s busy juggling batons and dance roles, she’s also busy saving lives as a critical care cardiac nurse.

Yes, you read that correctly. She started off commuting back and forth from Vegas to Phoenix for nursing school for a full two years! Instead of quick-changing into her showgirl costume, she was quick-changing out of it and into a pair of scrubs. (Mind you, I don’t see why she couldn’t have just found one of those sexy nurse outfits, and wore that for both jobs.) But anyway, she’d get off from her show in Vegas at midnight and drive back to Arizona in time for her 7 a.m. class. It makes me realize I could be doing a whole lot more with my day. She’s also changed the entire culture of the medical personnel with her dance principles.

After explaining to her coworkers how dance keeps you sane, she’s inspired the hospital staff to follow her lead. They’re now eating healthier, exercising and doing Zumba! Nothing like a showgirl to add sunshine wherever she goes!

Anyway, my point is, showgirls are doing much more than quick changes during their, well, quick changes. They’re actually running the world. But that’s not news. I mean, even Ginger Rogers, one of the most famous showgirls of all time, “did everything that Fred Astaire did … backwards and in high heels,” according to Robert Thaves.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's Graduation Speech

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's Graduation Speech

Everyone has that special someone that inspires you to shoot for the moon, that person who pushes you to work harder and reminds you that you deserve success. For a showgirl, it’s no different.

Danielle is now a glamorous starlet in one of the hottest productions on the Strip, but that wasn’t always the case. When she first moved to Vegas, she began waiting tables in a sports bar. In showgirl years, this would be equivalent to freshman year of high school. For her sophomore year, she worked her way up to go-go dancing. Junior and senior years were filled with months of auditions. (By the way, in case you were wondering, showgirl years are a little shorter. They’re more like months. What can I say, things move fast here in Vegas.) Anyway, after (showgirl) years of really hard work, Danielle finally made her way to (showgirl) college by earning a spot in a new topless show in town.

This show was on the smaller side. So, if we were talking in terms of colleges, instead of going to a big school like Harvard or Stanford, it was more like a community college or maybe a juvenile detention center.

You see, these casinos can be so clever and versatile. One random room on the main floor can be used as a coat rack, an old reception area, a ballroom or … a theater! This tiny showroom sat roughly 50 people. The dressing room was actually a closet that happened to be next to the kitchen of the casino. It always smelled of chicken wings, which was mighty tempting before the show. But Danielle was determined not to gain that dreaded “freshman 15.” There was only one black curtain that divided the backstage area of the theater from the stage/casino floor. There was also no bathroom. The showgirls would have to walk out into the casino area to get to one, so it was important to take care of business before showtime.

As expected, security was top-notch at this establishment. One evening, Danielle went backstage (aka, through to the other side of the black curtain) to get ready for the show. It was normally pretty quiet in there, aside from the frying sound from the chicken wings. But this time, she heard something else—a gurgling noise. As she walked closer, she realized it was a snoring sound. Someone was sleeping in her backstage area! As she slowly peered over the costumes, she saw a disheveled man curled up in a ball on the floor using her glittery bra as a blanket.

If you ask me, he didn’t seem so smart. I mean everyone knows those bras don’t provide much coverage, let alone warmth.

What’s a showgirl to do in this kind of situation? Introduce herself, of course. Danielle said, “Hi?” as she flashed a slightly awkward showgirl smile. After a few unresponsive rounds, the third time was the charm. Mr. Man woke up and bolted through the curtain and onto the stage. I would imagine that wasn’t quite the opening act the audience was expecting, but this is Vegas. He might have his own show by now.

As Danielle went back to getting ready, she suddenly stepped in a puddle that was oddly familiar to the kind her dog leaves on her carpet. Apparently, Mr. Man agreed the walk to the bathroom was too far, as well. After a brief scream and a few showers, Danielle vowed never to put herself in a situation like that again.

Despite a rocky showgirl college experience, she graduated summa cum laude and got accepted into a top Vegas show, where she performs to this day. There are many who have helped her along the way, but she attributes most of her success to that very influential Mr. Man.

So like I said, everyone has that special someone that inspires you to shoot for the moon, that person that pushes you to work harder and reminds you that you deserve success. For a showgirl, it’s no different.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly