A Showgirl's Graduation Speech

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's Graduation Speech

Everyone has that special someone that inspires you to shoot for the moon, that person who pushes you to work harder and reminds you that you deserve success. For a showgirl, it’s no different.

Danielle is now a glamorous starlet in one of the hottest productions on the Strip, but that wasn’t always the case. When she first moved to Vegas, she began waiting tables in a sports bar. In showgirl years, this would be equivalent to freshman year of high school. For her sophomore year, she worked her way up to go-go dancing. Junior and senior years were filled with months of auditions. (By the way, in case you were wondering, showgirl years are a little shorter. They’re more like months. What can I say, things move fast here in Vegas.) Anyway, after (showgirl) years of really hard work, Danielle finally made her way to (showgirl) college by earning a spot in a new topless show in town.

This show was on the smaller side. So, if we were talking in terms of colleges, instead of going to a big school like Harvard or Stanford, it was more like a community college or maybe a juvenile detention center.

You see, these casinos can be so clever and versatile. One random room on the main floor can be used as a coat rack, an old reception area, a ballroom or … a theater! This tiny showroom sat roughly 50 people. The dressing room was actually a closet that happened to be next to the kitchen of the casino. It always smelled of chicken wings, which was mighty tempting before the show. But Danielle was determined not to gain that dreaded “freshman 15.” There was only one black curtain that divided the backstage area of the theater from the stage/casino floor. There was also no bathroom. The showgirls would have to walk out into the casino area to get to one, so it was important to take care of business before showtime.

As expected, security was top-notch at this establishment. One evening, Danielle went backstage (aka, through to the other side of the black curtain) to get ready for the show. It was normally pretty quiet in there, aside from the frying sound from the chicken wings. But this time, she heard something else—a gurgling noise. As she walked closer, she realized it was a snoring sound. Someone was sleeping in her backstage area! As she slowly peered over the costumes, she saw a disheveled man curled up in a ball on the floor using her glittery bra as a blanket.

If you ask me, he didn’t seem so smart. I mean everyone knows those bras don’t provide much coverage, let alone warmth.

What’s a showgirl to do in this kind of situation? Introduce herself, of course. Danielle said, “Hi?” as she flashed a slightly awkward showgirl smile. After a few unresponsive rounds, the third time was the charm. Mr. Man woke up and bolted through the curtain and onto the stage. I would imagine that wasn’t quite the opening act the audience was expecting, but this is Vegas. He might have his own show by now.

As Danielle went back to getting ready, she suddenly stepped in a puddle that was oddly familiar to the kind her dog leaves on her carpet. Apparently, Mr. Man agreed the walk to the bathroom was too far, as well. After a brief scream and a few showers, Danielle vowed never to put herself in a situation like that again.

Despite a rocky showgirl college experience, she graduated summa cum laude and got accepted into a top Vegas show, where she performs to this day. There are many who have helped her along the way, but she attributes most of her success to that very influential Mr. Man.

So like I said, everyone has that special someone that inspires you to shoot for the moon, that person that pushes you to work harder and reminds you that you deserve success. For a showgirl, it’s no different.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Confessions of a Showgirl's Grandmother

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Confessions of a Showgirl's Grandmother

They say it’s a combination of nature versus nurture that makes you who you are. I would have to agree with They on this one. I’m sure many of you are wondering where I get that hunger to be in the spotlight, that yearning to please and be pleased, that need to make a difference and do my part for mankind.

Okay, I have a confession to make: Being a showgirl probably doesn’t help mankind. Still, I’m sure if everyone loved showgirls it could do a lot. But that’s not my point. I thought I would take the opportunity to introduce you to the woman who has made me who I am, my grandmother. I’m not sure if all showgirls have grandmothers like mine but if they did the world would be a far more entertaining place.

You can learn so much from your elders. Sometimes it’s not what they say, it’s just a matter of watching their mistakes and making sure you do the opposite. My grandmother has been an integral part of my learning process. She was a Canadian showgirl back in the day, a promotional model for Chrysler. She was busy singing and dancing and starring in commercials. She was quite stunning. Till this day, she’s always ready for her close-up. Every location is her next red carpet. Every family gathering is her next photo shoot. Every shower is her next performance of a lifetime. She’s always trying out the latest beauty products. QVC loves her and knows her by name. She’s eighty-six and still up on important showgirl news in such publications as People and Us Weekly.

Which is a relief to me because that’s when showgirls really go downhill—when they stop following the news.

She has this talent for speaking her mind and just letting the words fly out with absolutely no censoring. Sometimes it’s not what you say or how you say it. It’s just the fact that you said it at all. She has such a great outlook on life. For instance, after 36 years of marriage, she lost my grandfather. It was a sad time but she wanted to focus on the wonderful memories. At the funeral, whenever someone would come over to offer condolences, she would tell the secret to her successful marriage: “We fought a lot and we made love a lot. Keep having sex as long as you can. We were married for 36 years! Plus two before, in sin … well actually it was more than that.”My grandparents really had some great times together.

My grandmother came to Vegas to visit me not too long ago. She arrived, fresh off the plane in her Juicy velour sweat suit and her sequined Ugg boots, ready to take on the town. The key to being a good showgirl is to keep people on their toes. Never let them know what you might do next. My grandmother excels at that.

For instance, we decided to go see a show on the strip. Those big casinos can be intimidating and it’s easy for anyone to get lost in them. I dropped my grandmother off at the front entrance and told her to stay where she was so I could meet her there after I parked the car. When I got back to the entrance, she was gone. I had misplaced my grandmother! I tried calling her but there was no answer. She has a cell phone but never brings it with her. I’ve tried to explain to her that a cell phone is not just for her to reach people; it’s also the other way around. I guess I still have some explaining to do.

I searched every restroom, every gift shop and every gaming table. I alerted all security. We had a full search party looking for my grandmother for over an hour. She was the most famous person in the casino.

We finally found her in the most likely place a veteran showgirl would be found. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it sooner. She was nostalgically standing outside the theater. The first thing she said when I spotted her was “Where have you been?! We’re going to be late for the show!” We missed the show.

Luckily, they had a later show, and for that we were able to arrive on time. As we were waiting, my grandmother explained that she was never lost. She knew exactly where she was because it’s where she’s meant to be, in the theater.

A showgirl never forgets her home. She just forgets cell phones.

Anyway, the moral of this story is once a showgirl, always a showgirl … and keep a short leash on your grandparents.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

How to Negotiate a Pay Raise

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: How to Negotiate a Pay Raise

As I demonstrated in my last column, showgirls are smart. However, throughout years of evolution, we haven’t yet mastered the skill of negotiation. Negotiation is like a ping pong match. In a world other than a showgirl’s, the opening offer is a starting point. The initial “offeror” quotes extra low, knowing that the “offeree” will ask for more. The “offeree” comes back asking for more, knowing he will take much less than what he is asking. Then, both sides meet in the middle and an agreement is made.

Here is how it goes for a showgirl:

Producer (aka Offeror): Congratulations! We would like to offer you the role of (fill in the blank). It pays (fill in the blank) per week.

Showgirl: That’s not enough to buy myself a coffee. After all these years of training, I end up with this? Well, you can take that offer and (fill in the blank.)

Okay, I have a confession to make. That’s not exactly what the showgirl says. It’s more like:

Showgirl: OMG! Thank you so much. This is my dream job and I’m so excited to be a part of the cast.

A few months roll by and the thrill of being in a glamorous Vegas show wears thin. The showgirl is physically and mentally exhausted and she starts craving those coffees she can’t afford. It’s time to negotiate a pay raise.

Showgirl: I want to thank you for this amazing opportunity to be a part of your show. I have had the time of my life and I was wondering if we could discuss a few things.

Producer: Yes of course. By the way, you have done a fabulous job! Thank you for all your hard work and dedication. Are you thinking you want to renew your contract?

Showgirl (to herself): Why are they asking that question? OMG! They told me I’m doing a fabulous job. That’s like the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech from a boyfriend. Why are they thanking me? Is this the goodbye? Am I getting fired?! I can’t get fired! After all my hard work and dedication, they’re going to thank me by firing me?

Showgirl (to Producer): Of course I’m renewing! Where is that contract? Can we do it now? By the way, I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’ve been starving myself a lot lately, hence the reason my costumes are fitting way looser these days. It’s actually been a really great thing that I can’t afford to eat as much. I think it’s doing wonders for my self-esteem and my career. Some other showgirls might not feel that way. You know, like the new ones you might be thinking about auditioning to replace me, but I would just like you to know that it’s fine for me. In fact, I prefer it that way.

Anyway, I’m so glad we had this talk. I’m really looking forward to this next contract … and to seeing how skinny I can get.

Okay, I have another confession to make. She really only says, “Of course, I’m renewing!” But she’s thinking about the rest of it.

Producer: That’s great news! We are so happy to have you! Oh and by the way, we were thinking we should cut back …

His voice trails off, as the showgirl gets lost in the inner dialogue of her mind.

Showgirl (to herself): They have to cut back? Now they’re asking me to take a pay cut? I mean, a minute ago they were firing me, so I should consider myself lucky. I’ll just write my lowest offer. Let them know I’m serious about staying. On second thought, I better go lower to be safe. Fine, this is my absolute lowest number.

Showgirl (blurted out): Alright! Here’s my absolute and final offer!

Producer (finishing his sentence): We were thinking we should cut back on rehearsals since you have all been doing such a fabulous job! What’s all this about an offer?

And that’s how a showgirl negotiates a pay cut.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Are You Smarter Than a Showgirl?

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Are You Smarter Than a Showgirl?

Picture this: I am on a game show. I like games, but I’ve never won anything. I don’t know why not. Anyway, I have the chance to win a million dollars! Now I’m really excited!

I’m competing against two men. One is a rocket scientist from NASA and the other is a Harvard professor. I’m going to show these guys that showgirls can stand with the best of them.

They explain the rules and now I know I have to be quick on the buzzer. I have great reflexes so that will be one of my strengths. Okay, first question:

Q: According to the proverb, what is the pot calling the kettle?

a) Hot

b) Noisy

c) Black

d) My hero

I hit the buzzer! I did it. See, I told you we have fast reflexes. Wait, I wasn’t paying attention to the question. Can you ask it again?

Hmmm. Let’s see. Both pots and kettles can be hot but they aren’t always hot unless they are being used. A kettle is noisy but pots aren’t usually noisy. Pots and kettles can be black but they can also be other colors. Why would a pot call a kettle its hero? That makes no sense. Come to think of it, why would a pot call a kettle anything? What is it calling with? I guess I would have to go with … c) Black. But I don’t think they realize that pots and kettles aren’t always black … just saying.

I got it right! Next question.

Q: In the U.S., if it's not Daylight Savings Time, what time is it?

a) Borrowed time

b) Overtime

c) Standard time

d) Party time

I have to sneeze. A-choo! Oh, I hit the buzzer by accident! Oops! I guess I should figure this one out. If you are saving time, it could be borrowed as well. It’s not overtime because you’re saving the time so it hasn’t been used yet. On the contrary, if you were partying with the time, then you would be using it. I mean, I don’t know the answer but it should be Daylight Giving-Away Time. I guess I have to choose Standard time but none of these answers work.

I got it right again! Eat your heart out Rocket Boy and Smarty Pants. The showgirl is in the lead. Next question.

Q: According to the old saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the (fill in the blank).”

a) Trash

b) Diapers

c) Bath water

d) Baby carriage

OMG! You should never throw a baby out! Who would do such a thing?! I’m not answering this question based on principle.

Q: What piece of advice most often follows "If at first you don't succeed"?

a) Throw in the towel

b) File an appeal

c) Try, try again

d) Talk to James

Who is James? Is he cute? I wouldn’t throw in a towel. What would that do? The answer is b) File an appeal. I always appeal because then I convince them I succeeded and then I succeed!

Hey! How did I get that one wrong?

Q: According to the popular phrase, "Don't bite the hand that (fill in the blank).”

a) Helps you

b) Pays you

c) Feeds you

d) Spanks you

It’s b) Pays you. Showgirls don’t eat so it can’t be c) Feeds you.

Wait, I got it wrong? I would like to appeal.

This game is getting close and the rocket scientist and Harvard professor are ahead of me. I need to get back on track. Next question.

Q: The TV series Sex and the City is primarily set in which city?

a) Chicago

b) New York City

c) Miami

d) San Francisco

Oh no! I have an itch. I didn’t get to the buzzer in time. The rocket scientist hit the button before me! This is horrible. I’m going to lose! It’s such an easy question!

He answered Chicago? Who wants to have sex in Chicago?

I’m back in! Okay, here it is: The million-dollar question.

(Dramatic pause.)

Q: What are chicken cutlet breast enhancements made of?

a) Chicken

b) Silicone

c) Pork

d) Fish

This one is easy! Every showgirl knows those breast enhancements are made of silicone! (If you don’t, you might want to brush up on your history with my past column, “The Evolution of Cleavage.”)

I WON!

I bet you’re wondering if I got the million dollars. Well, the answer is no. If you can figure out why, then you are smarter than a showgirl. (I’ll give you a hint: I started with the words, “Picture this,” which means, I wanted you to picture me winning a million dollars. Maybe if everyone pictures me winning a million dollars it will happen!)

Anyway, if you didn’t get it right, you are not smarter than a showgirl. But don’t worry. It’s like they always say, “If at first you don’t succeed, file an appeal.”

Thanks for playing!

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Vegas Then and Now

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Vegas Then and Now

As I was searching deep in my dressing room shelves for my favorite bedazzled Swarovski bra, I came across an ancient artifact. I felt like Nicholas Cage in the movie National Treasure. Well actually, I guess I was more like Diane Kruger because as far as I know, Nicholas Cage appears to be male. But I guess you never know …

Anyway, I found a diary of a showgirl from the 1960’s! Apparently, confessions from showgirls date back further than I thought. Fifty years ago, Ingrid Liebschreiber travelled all the way from Germany to Las Vegas and became a showgirl. Her story is fascinating. She doesn’t hold anything back. I was really surprised! (I mean, not surprised that she didn’t hold anything back because she’s a showgirl and that’s what we do.) But I was surprised at how different Old Vegas was from New Vegas.

Vegas Headliners Then: Ingrid writes, “showgirls were treated like royalty.” They were escorted into the most exclusive lounges. They mingled with historical headliners like Frank Sinatra, Harry Belafonte and Elvis Presley. In fact, Ingrid says she even had an affair with Elvis and got pregnant! Can you imagine the headline? “A showgirl pregnant with Elvis’ baby.”  

Vegas Headliners Now: The closest a showgirl can get to that headline now is, “A showgirl pregnant with Elvis impersonator’s baby.” Which probably isn’t news. I’m sure it happens more often than we think. And it doesn’t happen in those exclusive lounges from back in the day. It probably happens in those loud nightclubs where no one can hear himself think. Which is why it happens in the first place.  

Vegas Audiences Then: After their shows, showgirls were showered with lavish gifts from the audience, like jewelry and furs. Apparently, there was an abundance of wealthy suitors with sufficient cash to entertain.

Vegas Audiences Now: Most of our suitors now have insufficient funds, or they take yours and then you have insufficient funds. Which reminds me, I have to call my bank.

Vegas Showgirls Then: Aspiring showgirls would come to Vegas from all over the world in hopes to perform in a real Vegas show. Ingrid came all the way from Germany.

Vegas Showgirls Now: Now, you have to move 2,500 miles to New York just to get hired for a show in Vegas. You would think it would be easier just to hold auditions in Vegas but what do I know. I’m just a showgirl.

Vegas News Then: Ingrid had to be very careful about anything she said because it was a small town and news travelled quickly back then.

Vegas News Now: Hmmm. News travels fast here too.

So I guess the truth is, showgirls haven’t changed at all. It’s comforting to know that in this fast paced world, some things can stay the same. As Ingrid said, “Once a showgirl, always a showgirl.”

It was as if Ingrid had written all of this just for me to find in my dressing room years later. If I hadn’t been looking for my bra, I never would have found out what Vegas was like back then.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I wasn’t exactly digging through my shelves in my dressing room. I was digging through the icons that look like shelves on Amazon, more specifically the Kindle store, but I was in my dressing room. It turns out Ingrid’s diary wasn’t just written for me. It’s available to everyone in fact! It’s called Love Target and every showgirl and non-showgirl should read it!

Okay, I have one more confession to make. Or maybe Ingrid does. How should I put this? Technically, Ingrid isn’t a real showgirl because she’s not a real person. But she is a character based off the life of the real showgirl Heidi Loeb Hegerich. Heidi’s book Love Target is part fictional memoir and part historical novel, which begs the question: Did she really have an affair with Elvis?! A showgirl never tells … or maybe she does.

For more of Heidi’s (I mean, Ingrid’s) adventures in Sin City and New York visit https://www.lovetarget.comorAmazon.com, available in paperback and hardback, too.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's State of the Union Address

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's State of the Union Address

As a showgirl, I get the chance to work in many different kinds of productions. Operating in these varied worlds, it’s not unusual for a showgirl to be a member of several unions. The problem comes when a showgirl gets confused as to which ones she belongs to.

There was a union I joined for one particular touring production. I’ve been a member for over six years, and I hadn’t paid my dues in a little while … like, maybe six years. So they sent me a suspension notice.

Anytime you see big red print that has a negative word associated with your name, it’s not a good feeling. I got confused by the state of my unions, and I panicked. I immediately went online to pay my dues.

As soon as I submitted my payment, I realized I had paid the wrong union! I mean, it was the right union—in that I also owed them money and paid it. But I had only worked in this union once. Now that I’m working in Vegas, it didn’t make sense for me to be a part of it anymore. So I didn’t mind being suspended. I just didn’t realize that I didn’t mind being suspended. I needed to explain this to my union and get my money back.

So I got on the phone to speak with a representative. Listen, there’s been a huge misunderstanding, I said. I’m aware that I haven’t paid my dues in quite some time. However, I swear I had no intention of paying you.

In fact, I was going to let this one go to collections. As you can see, I haven’t worked in this union for years. To be honest, it’s not one of the major unions. Do you think this is an effective union if I haven’t worked the entire time I was a part of it?

You know, I’m thinking it might be time for you to take a careful look at your own house and see if that’s in order. The truth is, if your union was more important, I probably would have made more of an effort to pay my dues all these years, instead of letting it slide.

Anyway, if you could just see your way to getting this money back to me, that would be really great. This was an error and I think you guys should respect that. After all, I am your union member.

Then, I think my phone disconnected. I called back and I got a different person. I had to explain the entire thing all over again. Would you believe my phone cut out again? So frustrating. It’s impossible to get good cell service anywhere these days.

I wonder if the cell phone people have a union I could speak to about that.

I’ll tell you, some of these unions should really have more respect for their members. I mean, how am I supposed to pay my other unions if this union keeps trying to take all my money? I’m sure I’m not the only one dealing with this.

You know, we should all unite and have our voices heard! We should start a union! Who’s with me?

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

5 Reasons to Never Do Yoga

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: 5 Reasons to Never Do Yoga

The stress of having to write all these confessions finally caught up with me. I needed a way to decompress. My showgirl guru recommended I try yoga. I had never done it before. The showgirl life is fast paced. We are used to intense spurts of frenetic performance, followed by mood swings.

I figured it was time to try something new, but when I went to my first class I discovered right away why you should never do yoga.

1. Breathing is overrated. We start with all of this heavy breathing. I haven’t focused this hard on my breathing since the last time I was faking it in my bedroom. Over and over again, the teacher instructs us to breathe in and out. Now I’m getting dizzy. I can’t see straight. I think I’m having a panic attack. Somebody help! I can’t breathe. I need air.

2. “A calm mind.” Easy for you to say. Tell it to my bladder. The teacher instructs me to “focus on calming my mind.” The voice in my head says, “Don’t think about anything.” If I’m not thinking about anything, then what am I thinking about? Even if I’m thinking about nothing, I’m thinking about something. Now I have a headache. Wait, I’m already off track. Focus on calming my mind.

Okay, my mind is calm … with thoughts of waterfalls. I’m in a rainforest. I can hear the water trickling all around me. I’m thirsty. I need to stay more hydrated, especially since I live in a desert. On second thought, maybe not. I have to pee. Is it rude to leave the class in the middle of a meditation? Let me just take a peek, since everyone’s eyes are closed. I’m just going to step out for a quick second. I’m sure no one will notice. Doesn’t look like I’m going to miss anything.

3. Nobody likes a poser. This part of the class should be fun. I’m a showgirl, which is basically a professional poser. I’ve got this.

But these poses are unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They’re just uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. In fact, they’re obnoxiously uncomfortable. I’ve been in some pretty uncomfortable poses, but these take the prize. Can you explain to me the purpose of being rolled up in a pretzel? Is this really a position that will benefit me in life? And the eagle pose? I didn’t have the heart to tell the teacher I’m not an eagle, nor do I aspire to be. I’m giving up on poses and going back to meditation.

4. What comes up doesn’t seem to be going down. As I’m trying to calm my mind, I start to look around the room. They say don’t compare yourself to others but that’s not a concept a showgirl understands. However, I now understand why they say that in yoga. It’s because of the involuntary reactions from some of the men in the class, especially the teacher. There is some impressive form going on in this room. Maybe it’s a tantric thing? I’m no longer having a problem finding something to focus on. How is it possible for a man to be so relaxed and so firm at the same time?

5. Wait, are you sure this is yoga? I could get used to this! What a workout. I feel so stimulated. After class, the teacher offered me a private lesson to show me some positions not covered in the group session.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I take it all back. Yoga is great and everyone should do it, at least once a day. Okay, I have a confession to make. It was three times. I’m so glad I found a way to relieve all my stress.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly