Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker

I’ve always wanted a Facebook stalker. I think it would be so sweet to check your inbox every day and read a loving message from an adoring fan. After all, who doesn’t want to be told in great detail that she is the object of someone’s obsession?

We live in a world where we feel under-appreciated much of the time. We spend our days striving to be better but then beat ourselves up for our mistakes. So when someone comes along who lets you know they love you the way you are, and that you should never change, and never leave them, it’s refreshing! I think that kind of unqualified support is what’s missing from society today.

And let’s not forget how important social media can be to a showgirl’s career. A Facebook stalker is an automatic like on every post. And since Facebook promotes posts with more comments, this improves your social media presence, which in turn promotes your career and helps you get more Facebook stalkers!

I would find it flattering, considering all the friends a person can have, that a Facebook stalker would neglect all other responsibilities in life just to follow my profile. Facebook stalkers should be appreciated for taking the time to absorb all that real-time information and for their dedication to detail. Monitoring a profile so closely is a full-time job.

There was this one guy who friend-requested me. He really seemed like he had Facebook-stalking potential so I gave him a shot. I could just imagine him looking at all my pictures, following my every Facebook move.

Occasionally, I would like some of his status updates, so it wouldn’t feel so one-sided. In fact, I started liking a lot of them. This guy was really good looking. Then the weirdest thing happened: He stopped liking all of my posts. (Okay, I have a confession to make. He only liked one post. But it was a really good one.) So I sent him a personal message. Or two. Or five. You know, just to encourage him.

But he just disappeared. I went to send him another message and suddenly I couldn’t find him on Facebook. It was bizarre because at first he was so active on social media, posting pictures of what he ate, who he was with, how he looked. I could keep tabs on him all day.

So I got worried and looked for him on Instagram, but I couldn't see him because I wasn’t following him. I’m certain I was following him before. I guess there was a glitch in the system because I tried to follow him again and it said I couldn’t. The Instagram technology team should really get their act together. I mean, if they want millions of people to use their platform, they should make sure it’s working properly. How are people going to use Instagram if they can’t follow who they want to follow? Pretty embarrassing, if you ask me.

Anyway, even though this guy didn’t work out, I think everyone should have a Facebook stalker to enrich his or her life. I’m still waiting for mine. I might even post a little more if I knew he was watching. It would just be nice to know someone out there cares as much as I do.

Oh well, back to checking my news feed for potential Facebook stalkers. Let’s see what’s going on today ... Hey! There’s that guy who disappeared. He’s tagged with some of my showgirl friends, so he must still have a Facebook profile. Then why can’t I find him?

Hmmm. Maybe if I can figure out where he lives, I could let him know that he’s got a problem with his Facebook page.

Click here to see article in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl and a Magic Dragon's Oscar Recap

Ever wonder what happens when a magic dragon and a showgirl get together to discuss the ‪Oscars? Have a look!

How to Date a Showgirl

Maren Wade's Confessions fo a Showgirl: "How to Date a Showgirl"

 Listen up men! (Women too, if you’re interested.) There is nothing better for your self-esteem and reputation than to have a beautiful showgirl by your side. But that’s not an easy task. If you own a casino, you might be thinking, “Hey, it’s not that hard.” All I can say to that is … OMG! Someone who owns a casino is reading my column? Call me. For those who don’t own a casino, you’re in luck and just in time for Valentine’s Day. I have compiled a how-to-guide to grab that glamorous showgirl hook, line and sinker into an eternity of romance … or at least until the end of the night.

1. Master “the look.” It’s that look that tells us you don’t care, but in such a way that it makes us care that you don’t care. Then we spend our time trying to make you care. It always helps to throw in a confusing compliment, tinged with a dash of negativity, so we’ll be left wondering what you really meant, which will further undermine our confidence. And you’ll be there just in time to pick up the pieces. But then you’ll suddenly have to leave to tend to an “emergency,” which we find out later on Facebook is to party with another showgirl at a nightclub until 7 a.m.

2. Become an upstanding citizen. You need to bring an air of confidence, a presence so large that there isn’t room for anyone else to breathe. You can’t just walk in and sit in a corner like you can’t get it up. Sorry, I meant, get up. You gotta stand tall and proud with your focus straight ahead and your eyes looking almost, but not quite, at that showgirl. That way you keep her guessing if you are looking at her, which will drive her crazy!

3. Become talented. Showgirls spend their lives cultivating their talent. Talent attracts talent. It doesn’t matter what your talent is, you just have to be exceptional at something. Even if it’s a talent for laziness or twiddling your thumbs, just make sure you do it and do it well.

4. Develop and maintain a fear of commitment. Make us work. No one values things that come too easily. Never let a showgirl think she is the only showgirl you want. Even if it means going that extra step, making us feel unsure and off balance. That’s our comfort zone. If we’re not waiting by the phone, biting our nails and coming up with excuses for why you haven’t called, then we’re bored. If we have you, we don’t need you. It’s really very straightforward.

5. Be into the glitter and glamour of the life of a showgirl. You need to ask yourself if you’re really ready for this. Do you know what’s involved with knowing a glittery showgirl? I’ll give you a hint: glitter. It will end up everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE.

6. You gotta have a really big … comp list. We have to be able to go to any show in town. If we have to pay for tickets, we might as well commit career suicide. The key to a showgirl’s heart is to shower her with Champagne, strawberries and comps. (Okay, I have a confession to make: Diamonds and Christian Louboutins work, too.)

7. Be a good listener. This is important because we talk about ourselves a lot. You can’t have two people talking about themselves at the same time. Then no one is listening. Plus, being a good listener means you truly enjoy hearing us talk about ourselves. But practice listening without making any helpful suggestions. You’re not there to be helpful. You’re there to listen. Oh, and never say, “You told me this already.” That spoils it for when we’re telling it to you again.

8. If you’re a morning person, learn to get up quietly. I think that’s self-explanatory.

9. Make us laugh. A showgirl is either entertaining or being entertained. We are all-or-nothing creatures. So if you want to stick around for the long haul (and by that, I mean the evening) make sure to keep us laughing, even if we are laughing at you.

10. Learn the difference between what you can and can’t control. In other words, you may be in control of your life. But you’ll have to learn to let go when you’re with a showgirl. I mean, it’s so funny when you think about it. We don’t have control of ourselves, so why should you?

I think I’ve covered everything. I just realized I don’t have a Valentine yet. Any takers?

Click here to see article in Las Vegas Weekly

How to Treat a Diva

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: "How to Treat a Diva."

Okay, I have a confession to make. I get along with everyone. At least I think I do. But just in case I don’t, let the record show no one has ever complained about it. At least, not to me.

Once in a while, a showgirl encounters the most difficult girl of them all, the diva. The diva is an odd breed. Onstage, she has this way of charming everyone she looks at. Her puppy-dog eyes make you feel so adored. She’ll be your best friend. Then out of nowhere, she’ll have a bone to pick with you. Suddenly, it will feel like she has you chasing your own tail.

So here are a few tips in the event you encounter a diva:

Never look a diva in the eye unless you are in her circle of trust and even then, you can never be too sure. You have to approach with caution. Start with a compliment in a soft, high-pitched voice and slowly make your way into her space.

Whining is a typical diva trait. You can’t encourage that behavior. If she starts, just take a step back and give it a moment of silence before interacting with her again.

A diva is manipulative. She’ll do whatever it takes to get what she wants. Make sure to keep her on a short leash. She’s capable of chewing you up and spitting you out.

There is only room for one alpha female when you are in the presence of a diva.Whatever you do, do not try to dominate! You must cooperate.

Positive reinforcement works really well for showgirls and especially divas. Bribe her with goody bags and treats. It will put you in her good graces. Ultimately, she will come back wanting more.

There was this one diva that was exceptionally challenging for me. I was so excited when I got the chance to work with her. She was the star of the show and she had her own dressing room. Do you know how hard it is to get your own dressing room? That’s showgirl code for “You’re a big deal!” She had the entire crew catering to her every whim. Every meal was personally delivered. They practically hand fed her. But she wasn’t grateful. She expected that treatment and she let everyone know it. I gotta say: she was a certified 100 percent purebred bitch.

But after getting to know her better, I finally understood why she was so hot under the collar. It wasn’t her choice to be in the spotlight. It fell into her lap. I considered her lucky. How many of us fight tooth and nail for these opportunities? She was just handed them on a silver platter and she didn’t want them! She hated being stared at and manhandled. She just wanted to lie around the house and do nothing all day.

I started to feel sorry for her. I wished we could switch places. I wished I could ease her pain (and parlay my success at the same time). But she was destined to be the headliner, and I was the underdog nipping at her heels.

Slowly but surely, after following my own advice, we outgrew our showgirl tryst. We even live together now. I adopted her. She doesn’t seem as ticked off these days. Maybe she’s happier living with me. Or maybe it was that flea collar that did the trick.

Anyway, her show dog side still comes out once in a while, but for the most part, we’re living diva-free and glittery ever after.

Click here to see article in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's Addiction

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: "A Showgirl's Addiction"

Okay, I have a confession to make. I really need a 12-step program. I just can’t go on like this any longer.

My name is Maren Wade and I’m an addict.

This is very embarrassing to admit, but I visit a certain website way more than I should. Multiple times a day, in fact.

I’m mesmerized by this online world. There’s so much variety and so many different styles (if you know what I mean.) Just when I think I’ve seen everything there is to see, a new one pops up and I can’t look away. My jaw drops, my heart pounds and I’m in lust all over again.

It wouldn’t even be so bad if I just watched. But I always end up doing more. Next thing I know, I’m bringing them to my house! What’s worse? It’s not just one. Sometimes it’s six a day!

At first, they reel me in and make me feel like the ultimate sexpot. But before the end of the day, they leave me sore and exhausted. Sometimes I can’t walk for days after. I tell myself that I should have the confidence to stand on my own two feet without them. But the next day, I’m back online, pursuing my next fix.

There are certain regulars I just can’t say no to, like Calvin and Charles. Once in a while, when I’m feeling really adventurous, I’ll go with Betsey. The worst part is that I have to pay for them. I had this one hook up, bondage-style with leather, metal and ankle straps. It was the priciest one so far.

I was so conflicted. I mean, I could live with this addiction if it weren’t so costly and all-consuming. In a moment of weakness, I called the website’s customer satisfaction representative and asked him why I’m getting no satisfaction. I was lucky to reach someone who knew exactly what it was like to walk in my shoes. He told me he had the same troubles once. He tried to kick the habit. After trying several times to give it the boot, he came up with a better plan. He made me realize the problem wasn’t with me. The problem was that I needed to come out of the closet, or at least get a bigger closet. I spoke to a contractor and he said he could put another one in the attic but it’s going to take 12 steps to get there.

So this 12-step program should help me with my shoe addiction. Now I’ve got my steps covered but I still need a sponsor. I’m thinking one pair of shoes for every step would be great.

So I’m asking Zappos to be my sponsor. Tony Hsieh, if you’re reading this, will you help a showgirl on this journey toward a better me? And a better closet?

Oh, and if 12 pairs are too much, maybe we could just do six instead?

I’m just kidding.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I’m just kidding about kidding.

Click here to see article in Las Vegas Weekly