A Showgirl Goes Hollywood

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl Goes Hollywood

Some showgirls don’t plan on staying in Vegas forever. After being in too many Vegas shows to count, Sarah Jessica Rhodes (whom we call SJ) felt it was time for her next adventure. She wanted to try her hand at acting in the City of Angels.

Now, may I remind you that I’m from LA, so I know how this goes.

She answered a casting notice to be an actress in a leading role in a feature film. The production team got right back to her. They said they loved her pictures. She was exactly what they were looking for. SJ couldn’t have been more excited. This was her lucky break. She only started pursuing acting in LA about an hour before the submission so it was even luckier that she didn’t have to wait too long.

She was going to drive straight down to LA, blow them away with her good looks and acting chops, then start her new life as a movie star!

On her way to LA, she went over her best Shakespeare monologue, followed by her best Mean Girls scene. Before she knew it, four hours flew by. It was time to put on her lipstick and go Hollywood. She was welcomed with open arms by the warm congestion of LA traffic. In perfect time, the production assistant called regarding the details of the audition.

SJ was to meet the producer of this next blockbuster movie at IHOP at 9 a.m. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Who in the world is up at 9 a.m., right?

They also instructed her to wear something revealing that shows off her body. She was to look out for this producer by his car. He would either be driving his Bentley, Lamborghini or ‘86 Chevy pickup. (I guess he had a thing for the classics.) She hoped he would be in his Bentley but unfortunately he drove his Chevy. He said the other two were in the shop. What are the chances?

He was very nice, which gave her confidence that she would snag the role. He complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She couldn’t believe what great eyesight he had, considering he was wearing sunglasses inside the restaurant the whole time.

He discussed the movie briefly. She was surprised to find how talented he was. Not only was he the producer of the film, he was the star as well. The opening scene was going to be a montage of several naked women. This is where her role would come in. He decided right then and there, without even running the lines, that SJ was perfect for it! Some girls just have it so easy.

He told her they should get started rehearsing right away. He asked if her apartment was available, as they were looking for a “more natural setting to go over the scenes.” SJ felt bad because she didn’t live in LA, so they had no place to rehearse. He told her they would delay production a couple weeks until she could find an apartment. She was thrilled! She had heard so many horror stories about Hollywood, and yet she had found such an accommodating producer.

A couple weeks later, she called to ask about the schedule. They told her that they cast someone else. She was pretty disappointed. This was going to catapult her to stardom. She was going to see her face on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I didn’t have the heart to tell her you can’t have your face on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It’s just your name on a star.

Anyway, after the highs and lows of her Hollywood experience, SJ realized there’s no place like home—Vegas, I mean. As fate would have it, a few weeks later she got cast in Raiding the Rock Vault where she currently performs at the Tropicana. There’s nothing like partying with a bunch of rock stars to make you feel whole again.

Meanwhile, I called the LA producer for a comment and we had a no-holds-barred conversation. You wouldn’t believe it. He offered me a job! I said to him, “You must think I was born yesterday.” He said, “Judging from your picture, you look about 18.”

Long story short, I’m going apartment hunting.

Follow me on Twitter @marenwade 

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Couples Counseling - Showgirl Style

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: Couples Counseling Showgirl Style

When most married couples fight, maybe they retreat to separate rooms to cool off. When you’re a showgirl married to a magician, he makes you disappear—and that’s when you’re not fighting. That’s just a normal day at work.

But what happens when that magician is supposed to make his showgirl wife disappear but doesn’t, and then he blames her for it? Well, she asks another showgirl to step in to settle the dispute.

That’s me!

Meet my fellow showgirl Chloe Crawford. Not only is she a Playboy model and Fantasystarlet, she’s also the assistant to celebrity magician Murray Sawchuck. Murray also happens to be her husband. (Okay, I have a confession to make. He didn’t just happen to be her husband. I’m sure they planned it out at some point in time.)

Anyway, in Murray’s magic show there are several moving parts. If you miss any little part, it’s like getting caught in an avalanche of embarrassment. (Personally as a showgirl, I’d almost prefer a real avalanche to the embarrassment.)

To make matters worse, Murray is onstage the entire show, so if anything goes wrong, the assistant, aka wife, has to deal with it. Hmm … typical male move.

But there are two sides to every story, or for a showgirl, sometimes three or four. So I decided to hear them out and see if I could mediate this lover’s quarrel.

She said: “In the finale of our show, Murray is supposed to go into a box. His other assistant, Lefty, closes the box, locks it and throws a curtain over it. Suddenly, Murray is supposed to appear on top of the box and then he opens it to magically reveal me inside. It’s our big finish. But I couldn’t make it to the box in time. I tried to tell Murray. I was screaming his name from the wings, hoping he would look up at me and see I wasn’t in the box. But he wasn’t listening. He never listens.”

Hmm … typical male move. Okay, let’s hear Murray’s side of the story.

He said: “I always listen to Chloe. I just don’t always understand her. I thought she was yelling my name to let me know she was in the box. I just want to make her happy but I don’t know what she wants.”

Hmm … typical woman. Sorry, go on Murray.

“Try to see it from my side. The audience is filled with suspense. I’m about to give Chloe her big reveal. I ask the audience, ‘Guess who’s in the box? You’ll never believe who is inside! … It’s not me!’ The suspense is overwhelming. And then, I open it, revealing … an empty box. Like that’s real suspenseful. When I needed my wife most she wasn’t there.”

So let me get this straight: Murray was supposed to open the box to reveal Chloe inside but she wasn’t there? So what happened next?

He said: “We got a standing ovation.”

Did you just say you got a standing ovation?! Then what is there to argue about? You got a standing ovation for a magic trick gone wrong? That’s the best magic trick ever!

Don’t miss Chloe, Murray and Lefty in their show, Murray Celebrity Magician in Planet Hollywood’s Sin City Theater, every night except Friday. For more info, visit murraysawchuck.com and chloelouisecrawford.com.

Follow me on Twitter @marenwade

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

A Showgirl's Mile High Club

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: A Showgirl's Mile High Club

As showgirls, we get the opportunity to travel to some of the most exotic places in the world like Biloxi, Mississippi, and Branson, Missouri. While we’re gone, we don’t miss the smoky air, the sound of slot machines or the drunk tourists. As luck would have it, those things exist in every casino! It’s so comforting to feel at home wherever you go. 

Traveling can always be a little challenging, so I’ve compiled a few showgirl tips to ensure things run smoothly:

Sleep is a key factor. Flights to the East Coast (I mean, anywhere east of Las Vegas) are generally early in the morning. I can’t stress this enough: Sleeping WILL make you miss your flight. Under no circumstances are you allowed to sleep the night before. I know you are thinking about getting that half-hour catnap when you get home from work at 4:30 a.m., but don’t ever do it!

Don’t miss the free entertainment at the security line. So you’ve managed to make it to the airport on time, or better yet, you made it there early, which is unheard of in the showgirl world. Now it’s time to go through security. Hey, there are all my entertainer friends in the new TSA videos! If you haven’t seen them, check them out, or just book a flight to or from Vegas.

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m almost always singled out for a TSA pat-down. Either my bedazzled pink Juicy jumpsuit screams I’m hiding weapons of mass destruction or they just want to feel what’s underneath. I’m not complaining. It does wonders for my ego. I always find it funny when they ask if I would prefer a private screening. Are you kidding me? I’m a showgirl—the more who see this show, the merrier. Pat away! In case you’re wondering, my favorite is when you get to my upper thighs.

Luck be a lady … or an upgrade. Now that your day is off to a good start with a morning massage, it’s time to see if all those frequent flyer miles pay off. You’re waiting for the gate agent to call your name and say, “Congratulations! You won the lottery! You never have to travel to Atlantic City again!” (Okay, I have a confession to make. Those might not be her exact words.) She’s probably going to say, “We have an oversold situation. You’ve been upgraded to first class.” Then, it’s time to practice your acceptance speech.

Always be in performance mode, even up in the air. As you board the plane on your way to the first class cabin, pretend you are walking the red carpet at the Oscars, but wear your sunglasses and act in such a way where you don’t want people to notice you. They will ask if you want Champagne. You should take two. It’s always amazing flying first class.

Don’t be startled by everyone working quietly on computers. You’re a showgirl. It’s your job to liven up the party! On my last flight, I got to talking with the man next to me. He was very nice. A little quiet, but he said it’s because it was hard for him to hear me with his headphones on. Those must have been amazing headphones if it was hard for him to hear me. Anyway, we talked about lots of things like work, love and life, and he listened through his headphones. He was a really good listener.

Go easy on the Champagne. A few more glasses and you are living the high life at 33,000 feet. But it can get to you, so much so that you realize it’s not the Champagne. It’s actually sleep deprivation and you’re not even on the plane yet. You’re actually still at the gate waiting to board your flight. Turns out you didn’t win the lottery or an Oscar.

So like I said, it’s always amazing flying first class, and by always I mean: I’ve always imagined it to be amazing. Anyway, I gotta go. I have a date tonight. Not really a date, but I’m taking a red-eye and looking forward to the pat-down.

Click here to see in Las Vegas Weekly

Confessions to a Showgirl: Advice for Readers

Maren Wade's Confessions of a Showgirl: "Confessions to a Showgirl: Advice for Readers"

 Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of messages from my readers. I want to thank you very much for your support. I guess my “Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker” column worked! Anyway, I get asked tons of questions and figured I would feature some along with my advice.

The Virgin Lawyer
I’m fresh out of law school. I just had my first case and I completely froze up. I couldn’t remember my argument or what to bring up as evidence. What do you do when your nerves get the best of you? –The Virgin Lawyer

Dear The Virgin Lawyer,

Whether you are in a courtroom or onstage, it’s still a performance. When something goes wrong in a show, we normally improvise. We call it “winging it.” Try breaking out into song and dance and see if that helps. If not, go topless. That always seems to work when a show is going downhill. When all else fails, represent a celebrity who will go topless. That will give you instant credibility.

Oh, and what law firm are you with? Remind me not to go there if I ever commit a crime.

Thinspiration No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to lose weight. I have tried every diet out there and nothing seems to work. Is there something I’m missing? -Thinspiration

Dear Thinspiration,

Have you tried the sex and cigarettes diet? That has helped a lot of showgirls long term (life expectancy aside.)

The Next Wolfgang Puck

I have three small kids and they run me ragged. I’m looking for quick and easy dishes to whip up for the family. As a showgirl, your life is always on the go. Do you have any recommendations? –The Next Wolfgang Puck

Dear The Next Wolfgang Puck,

There is this one meal that always satisfies me and is super easy and fast to prepare. They are my maple pancakes. Here is the recipe: Take pancake batter and Crown Maple (or any other maple whiskey will do) and mix it all up. Then grab a spoon and eat it fresh out of the bowl! It’s especially satisfying at 3 a.m. when you’ve had a little too much to drink and need to calm your stomach.
 
Writer Wannabe

I love your column and read it religiously. I have a friend who is interested in writing. Where should she start? –Writer Wannabe

Dear Writer Wannabe,

First off, thank you so much! That means soooo much to me! Now as to your question, is your friend a showgirl? If so, unfortunately she can’t. I can’t have any competition.

I Want To Be A Millionaire

I’ve just robbed a casino and I’m surrounded. What do I do? –I Want To Be A Millionaire

Dear I Want To Be A Millionaire,

I think I’ve got just the lawyer for you. Contact -The Virgin Lawyer. Good luck to you both!

Desperate Housewife

My husband has an insatiable appetite. He wants it all day and all night. If he applied himself at work the way he does in the bedroom, we wouldn’t be having such money struggles. So I told him I’m not having sex with him until he becomes a better provider. I don’t care if he gets a better job or frankly, if he goes out and robs a casino, just as long as he brings home more money to this household. Now I can’t find him anywhere! –Desperate Housewife

Dear Desperate Housewife,

I think I have a lead on your husband. Stay tuned.

For more life advice feel free to contact me on Twitter @marenwade or www.confessionsofashowgirl.com